so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
