Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
