Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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