I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
