I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
there's paper in my vomit.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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