A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
