the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
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and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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