My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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