I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
