eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Found your dick twin last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
