Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
