dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
