Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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