I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He kissed a someone with a penis
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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