I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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