1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
