if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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