i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
