mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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