apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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