if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
