why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
