speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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