Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
