drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
