Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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