I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
