Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
