Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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