So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
