the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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