I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
