There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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