I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
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Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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