Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
