i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
