Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
