Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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