in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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