U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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