the condom got lost in my hair
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
