Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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