He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
