Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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