we made out on top of his cat.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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