five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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