So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
