i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This baby is an asshole
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
