don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
