My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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