Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
