Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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