Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
