captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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