Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
