No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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