also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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