guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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