I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
