Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
