just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
