Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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