I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
the day after is always just damage control
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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