I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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