I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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